Andai bumi terbelah dua

My little bundle in my arms long time ago :) she's wearing a watermelon shirt. Which makes her look...like a watermelon hehe...she was PRETTY that time



Beautiful painting of Manisha Koirala. I had to take it.



One random baby picture i found on Facebook. Newborn.




Nice one of Kek Lok Si temple. I always feel intrigued by that big standing structure which one can see from certain parts of the town.

Rant...Express

By the music of Penawar - Ella.

Someone told me i have to express and heal my mind tonight. Doesn't matter WHO that someone was. But it talked to my intuition (or any medium you want to call it). It's somewhere inside me (ugh, so cliche).

"Tolonglah si dia ini...dengan menghampirinya...kerana dia sebahagianmu"

My bloody...dusty (shameful)...keyboard is uniquely growing out of its years...press this key and it comes out another icon...and many other irritating changeables.

Anyway, the phrase in parentheses up there can be found in Penawar's lyrics. Sounds like something YOU always hear and comprehend? Yes. But for Nur Syuhada and the likes of her...the text highlighted in red really knocks on her (their) heart.

Everyone is the same......why bother citing our differences?

I drove from Serdang Raya till Shah Alam ALONE today using the BMW (coz that car's great for me and my driving skills, coincidentally it is also my favourite brand...). Not that i'm really alone; mum drove the Waja coz she brought it to the mechanic near my office building.

I'm a driver who needs silence in order to really concentrate on the road. See, i don't need music, hehe...

What happened to me?

I got a new job.
I'm resigning.

I'm...trembling.
I'm...delirious.
I'm...i mean...

At the same time, i'm...

Something came and i can tell it is significant to me.

Tangible.

I'm.....................

A part of myself is SO SURE of this. No doubts. Only my usual fears.


It is the difficult realization that something other than myself is real. - modified from an Iris

Of Ramadhan and Syawal

Huh! I'm finally back home after my Raya holidays in Kota Bharu. It was a good raya for me, Alhamdulillah :)

But...i'm feeling like i need one more month of Ramadhan. Tak puas.

I have been unsatisfactory in my behaviour, my thoughts, my perceptions.

I was so so so pessimistic about Raya. I heard that the land near my grandma's house has gone all dry and 'bald'....no more shades...no more trees and foliage...no more GREEN...no more arwah Ayah Su's bushes...not to mention the missing chicken of his...and also no more pokok rambutan for me to observe and 'attempt to help' to kait the fruits with that longgggg pole which actually made me imagine i could reach out to the sky and make the plane passing by go catapulting...you know me once my eyes go to the sky...

My brother told me if given the choice he would like to be the cloud. I see his sense. It's just so peaceful being there...except when the lightning threatens to tickle you (now that's an afterthought i neglect to mention to him, haha)..

Puasa has gone by with events and multiple antics from humans around me...nothing much...one of my favourite November people has resigned, i gave him a white fluffy bear and he gave me a non-foldable fan with his own crafty knot...we gave each other November birthday presents!

Thank you very much, you know who you are :)

Cancer girl, also going to be resigning. *sigh*. I got to know more of her and believe it or not, we bonded too. Cancerian females seem to be allergic to me...all my life...and this one took about 2 years to really harmonise with me...her with her direct talk and sharp behaviour, me with my irritating loopiness and Plutonian ignorance...haha...we both hang out together since our 'joint predicament' at work. Ah well, let's not dwell on that.

I didn't feel the Raya atmosphere in my life. No kuih making (only my mum made some jam tarts while i was asleep like a log at night)...no baju raya (the tailor got H1N1)...

Exactly 12:30am Friday/Saturday, we set off for Kelantan. Had a meal first. Me with my dad, mum and my bro. Miracles of miracles, my MP3 player can be played in the car! One less of my glumness of the impending journey. Me and my dad, we can listen to whatever melody...we have high tolerance for each other's music tastes...i even enjoyed his songs and discovered new ones for my ears! So the journey went by smoothly with both individuals' music playlists.

Smoothly? Just the music. The ROAD....

Spent 4 hours on that Karak highway. Darn bloody traffic. We had to stop before the second toll to sleep till dawn and just not waste petrol, see...

6 am. Continue the drive. Surprise, surprise, sensing the terrible jam up ahead, we had to decide to go through Terengganu. Twice we stopped to sleep and refresh. I actually DREAMED...

I was spiralling (in a moving car) up a mountain and down again. It was pleasant. Hmm, that's the main theme i remember.

Reached Wakaf Che Yeh, 6:45 pm. In time for last buka puasa meal. Next day confirm Raya Puasa. Alamak..so sad...the end of Ramadhan never made me feel down that way...8:30 me and mum went to SACC mall...i mean, KB mall...to get our pre-ordered blackforest cake.

Next day: 1st Syawal...helped my mum prepare food for guests. Cut the blackforest cake to put on a platter and it looked like a....disaster. Presentation-wise. Not that's it's anyone's fault though...it just happened that way :D

The cake is wiped clean at the end of the day. Shows that TASTE is what matters most to the Raya guests, hehe!

Next on the menu, satay. Already grilled (err how do you describe 'bakar satay' again??), so we just need to heat it up. Accidentally, i was put in charge of the reheating. Not that i'm complaining...i do want to have something to do during Raya...i'm not that good at sitting around in the living room and *gulp* socialising.

I can just say that it was a sweaty hari raya for me. I worked at clearing up the table and adding more food and drinks, washing the dishes and cups the whole day. It's where i can be left by myself and not being watched so much by the people. Surprisingly, i was comfortable in that situation :)

The only time i went out to greet people and my family members is toward the afternoon...when the table is all set for the next set of guests, i sat down and relaxed and....got to see ALYA!!! She wore a pale blue gown and had two braids in her hair. Gosh her nose is as alluring as ever, wakakakaka....

Naturally she stuck to my dad the most...after some prodding, she did that amazing and shocking thing: jumped to me and held on/hugged. Ahh well she's still that same baby who i've held in my arms long time ago :)

Next Afrina came. She just decided to observe all the cars parked in front of the house and trying to investigate to whom each of it belonged. Stood by and talked to yours truly and i just layan her. Haha....she's so much of a Capricorn babe! Grandma-like.

My father, Alya, me and Afrina later went to 7-Eleven for, what else...the children's titbits. Alya stuck like a magnet to her grand-uncle and i took charge of little grandma...she's just so dainty and pretty and so matured-like...hmm, she is one soul i can like :)

Aries Alya buys a lot of things. Cappy Afrina buys only the things she wants. I don't have to describe more :)

Next phase of guests, this one comes in the evening. This one guy suddenly got all chummy with my mum and i got to know that he's the one who asked her last year to matchmake him with any single girl she knows. He talked with me and i talked with him. After he finished eating, he still came to talk with me, and i talked with him.

Let me explain: i've never seen him before, or i was just so ignorant i never did know who he was. He doesn't know who i am too. Seems that he is one of my dad's saudara-mara. The extended ones. Double-triple extended ones. So me and him are just simply related somehow. Anyway, he asked for my phone number and i too got his number. Totally Harmless. Next paragraph.

Later at night went to Che' Dah's house for her own spaghetti bolognese. It's good too.

Next day, Raya Kedua. Went for nasi dagang at Aunty Limah's house. First, me and my mum helped to prepare the table and roll up the roti jala. Then we went to the tanah perkuburan to pay respects.

3rd day. Ate pancakes made by Ayah Mat. Delish. And then i'm the one who continues making it, and finishing the batter. Haha. Then later my mum made kuey teow for the day.

4th day: sent Ayah Mat and Uncle Ian to the airport and then we started off for KL. I bought this Sour + candy which is absolutely shocking. It made my smugly self-confessed relaxed daddy change into unrelaxed sour candy victim. It made my asam-eater mummy into a shocked and blinking driver. It made me a new fan :D

We reached home 1:30am. Safely. Alhamdulillah :)

Sunday photo detailing

Adding my photos from my Prism, and some other collection. Haha, sometimes i feel i am only one of the very very few people who owns a Prism and liking it. Next phone? Shhh, my Prism will hear and she'll go sulky :D

The above picture is my father's idea of food art. At Restoran Azira. Sempat jugakkkk susun sambil ambik makanan...



Ghastly. I meant to put 'o' in place of 'a' there hehe. Nahh just kidding. But i'm using a half-serious tone :) This was the dawning sky back in the 1st week of puasa, sahur at MMZ Bukit Jelutong. Actually it looked more prettier looking at it. This pic was...of course, flawed.



New Gladiator model. My mum's kaki. Tangs Pavilion. No actually it was bought in Parkson Grand. MODELED in Tangs later :D Suddenly it occured to my vision that her legs looked like it belonged to Cleopatra. *gerenti ada orang KEMBANG hidung...*



This was my little road beside my house in somewhere England. If you believe that, i pity you. Haha, this....was somewhere in Harvey Norman...my brother and i got obsessed...wonder if we were being videoed ourselves *tsk tsk*...



GSC Pavi Lion. *rolls eyes*. This was on the space after the 1st escalator leading to the cinema halls. It was RAINING how can i resist NOT admiring the moment? There were actually raindrops splattering on the glass roof. I feel like an alien. But i'm no chicken. Uh, NEXT PHOTO please...



My space in my office (new layout). My screen is so so precious....and my tiny flag sticking dutifully to my CPU...this was taken when the restless part of me comes...during my free time at work...


There you go, i get paid to fool around...and i'm not pleased with that of course :/

Of Class

"By Him who holds my soul in His hand, I do love you." - Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H)

Like those words.

Class. Not Classrooms. You might know what i'm talking about. And where i'm heading. And pardon me, i'm going to spiral my mind on this weekend night.

Prophet Muhammad never taught us about class. That's the reason Allah sent him: to eradicate the practice of differentiating classes among people and bring to light that we are ALL the same.

We are ALL the same.

We are all the SAME.

We are ALL THE SAME.

I admit i do not have enough patience or even tolerance when i encounter a person who so much as give me a hint that they are downgrading a certain group of humans.

Once and twice, i've come across people whom i consider as my friend and a respected superior, and when they BOTH expressed their utter dislike of a certain race in Malaysia, i immediately lose my respect AND automatically kept my distance...it's more like, i closed my auric egg from their presence...call that my Achilles' heel, i'm bad in that way. Not that i don't appreciate them being direct and non-hypocritical. But these kinds of people make me break out in a rash. Figuratively.

Be aware that ALLAH created us all. HUMANS, with different FAITHS and COLOURS and CULTURES, for us to know each other and find GOD amongst each other's presence.

ANIMALS, be they the usual ones and even PIGS, are created by GOD.

HE just Commanded us not to CONSUME swine. HE did not ask us to shun them away or cringe when we see it. Those little unassuming piggies deserve our respect too.

Hmm assuming that there are some typical-minded people reading this...H1N1? Selsema babi? Ok. So it comes from them. IS IT THEIR FAULT??

WE HUMANS ARE THE ONES AT FAULT!!! FOR THIS BLOODY PANDEMIC THAT'S GOING ON!!

......

I actually screamed up there. My little mind is screaming. But it came out through my fingers and into here. I'm a frustrated person.


I'm frustrated when i see people with whom i am close to, actually have the nerve (genetically, the unfortunate thing) to DEGRADE others...indirectly. But they also have the bloody nerve to ask for the opinion of same person whom they are degrading regarding some matters which they do not know.

Let's just name this person, Vanilla. It's a she.

She looks plain. Like a normal everyday 'makcik' you see everyday. OUTWARDLY. Her clothes are plain. You can say, 'selekeh' at times. Her behaviour? Let's just say she 'marches to her own drummer', does what she likes, likes what she does. She's acting young for her age. She's a non-conformist. She says what she thinks, straightaway. Clearly, that's a creature that society would not accept.

The particular people who look down on her thinks she has no class. No CLASS. NO class. They are much more stylish. More knowledgeable. More savvy. More interesting. More sane. More polite. More religious. Some say she would go to hell for all that she has done.

I am the observer of Vanilla and this, let's call them Savvy group with Class. I am able to put myself on the outside, looking in. Call me neutral. Switzerland.

From what i see, they are more shallow and superficial, compared to Vanilla.

They say she is materialistic. She say she's MONEYlistic, and it is true. There is a difference. She cares about MONEY. Not things that we can buy with it. That's just her. And she makes a fine accountant.

They say she's not polite and rude, does not know manners and what is appropriate, in some social situations. She knows. She knows wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy much more than they do. About 100 years earlier. She just doesn't BOTHER to SHOW that she knows etiquette. Especially when it comes to the Savvy group.

I say that she is well-trained in all matters pertaining to social conduct. When she is apparently 'misbehaving', she's having some freedom, in a free country, FOR GOODNESS SAKES. In fact what she was doing was not WRONG at all when you think about it after you wipe away your preconceptions about her.

They say she is not knowledgeable. I say that she knows alot of what we SHOULD know in this life.

Just because a person does not participate (even looks bored) in a conversation about politics and economy, that...does...not...mean...she...is...stupid. Enough said.

They see that she is not religiously inclined. I say, Vanilla is one of the important people in my life who taught me to communicate with my beloved ALLAH. You see, it's actually gone reversed. Savvy people are ones who received complete religious education. And end up as wannabe Westerners now. Vanilla is not from a consciously religious background. But she has AWARENESS. And it never changes with the times. Therefore, she is more FINER and more FIRM in her Iman.

You know i can write more. But i am mentally tired with this frustration. Of why people seem to JUDGE too much as if they KNOW so much about this WORLD.

ALLAH is my JUDGE. HE is FAIR and WISE.

I have no words to describe how much i revere my CREATOR.

My love, my heart, my soul is all in HIS hands.

I have been a bad person.


Observing can be very tiring.

I Need to Talk With You Again...

Haiiii....those good old teenage years i had...was so so pretty sweet....some bitterness thrown in too but the sweetness overwhelmed it and never tampers with my memory (eh?)

That title was a part of the lyrics to Kavana's song Will You Wait For Me. Don't like the song, but the video made me swoon. I repeat: SWOON over this beautiful guy....beautiful, beautiful, guy...heeheehee...argh men were still so manly back in the 90's.

Sorry younglings, that's my opinion :)

Anthony Kavanagh...one beautiful guy :) You see i can't stop praising him...eep!

Demolish this Shivering

I'm having a tiny problem. I hope it IS tiny. My hands are now shivering and seemingly moving on its own. I suspect there's something going on with my veins or some sort...

Ah, well....it is the weekend....after a presumably long and, i have to admit, boring work week....by Friday, my fears were proven wrong...sure i started the work week on a Tuesday (blame it on those monthly female pains...) and i got a slight irritation from a superior who asked me to do a certain job....but i did it anyway...

and it's going to take me about 2 weeks to get it done...

...and this week has been, nice. Fate has introduced me to my new neighbour and she seems to be one of my kindred spirits (too early to tell though). A Scorpio with loads of Libran in her. Cusp birth.

I was depressed yet again, but abit worse, added by the period misery...my appetite gave me a fright...oh but my blood pressure was down to 125/75, Alhamdulillah....

I actually 'lost grip' of my spirit, or WILL, to live. I even thought i lost my heart. It feels true.

But on one night...i dreamt. It was SO real. SO dark. SO many familiar faces from my waking life.

All of them are concerned about me. They kept telling me, persuading me, urging me, warning me, pointing out to me that....

I AM SELFISH.

"YOU ARE SELFISH, SYUHADA".

I think i got four people. I was a jubilant, ignorant character in my dream. I even got a mystery car which came to pick me up...

on some top floor of my 'office' building and it came in the elevator.

I woke up at 5:55 am. I was RESTORED. Fresh. I'm LIVING.

And the day was good.

My light blue inspiration came to me. Oh, the beautiful aura!

Even though i was still reserved....but it all came out well for me by Friday.


Today, i watched The Proposal. Nice movie. Sandra Bullock's movies always seem to be so nice for me to watch. And i don't usually WANT to watch these kinds of movies...


My hands are getting cramped. I'll stop here.

Judges of Forces

People judge.
God is the only, ultimate Judge and the Most Fair.

Therefore i trust HIM more than i trust a human judge.

These are simple words.
But i am writing this with my own vehemence.

A quote from my brother (and from somewhere): "Who am i to judge?"

Yes, who are we to judge.

But i assure you...i do judge. We do judge. You can't say that you NEVER judge.


There....the awkwardness of the English language sound has come to me right this second: J.U.D.G.E. A funny-looking word.

Forgive my lapse of eccentricity. See? I judge myself too. I might be prejudiced when i think people are judging me. But i might also be right about them.

Outward appearances.
What people CHOOSE to show you.
What our EYES see (superficially)....
are misleading. Period.

WYSIWYG is not a term that you would actually use in these times. Yes, What You See, Is What You Get. Add that to your own....judgement.

Things are not what they Seem.

God hides His Beauty in front of us.

It's not for our Eyes to see,

But to use our Hearts to comprehend...

My Heart is coming out.

Quench my Desire...

Give in To Me by Michael Jackson the Virgo-Pisces man....no one can get more soft-spoken than that...

They say life is what you make of it. True.

But they never say anything about what others are doing to you and your life, when it is clearly none of your business, but you are definitely 'dragged' into the mayhem. Of someone else's mishap.

So it is another test. And my head's almost blown up. But i'm saner. And it's dumb to get all hyped up.

But i do want to murder and curse someone.

I have been bad.

But people have been bad to me too. In outrageously unique ways and having shockingly unique relation to me.

I am digressing...it has been a hot holiday...figuratively and literally...

Work, here i come.

Cruising along Gentle Waters

Listening to Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis's (i THINK that's the guy's name) song 'Cruisin'.

Baby tonight belongs to us...
Music is played for love....

Haha...those are some snippets...nothing related to my emotions...just my psychological state of mind maybe...

On Thursday (yesterday) i discovered that i am still able to spiral my mind and RECEIVE signals from another part of myself (no, i'm not trying to be freaky it just comes out that way)...by writing. I just wrote few words...and a voice, almost unknown, BUT familiar and comfortable, talks with me and the words flow out from my consciousness...through my veins...through my muscles...and flow smoothly as ink on paper.

It was a communication that i was waiting for, and missing.

Let me heave a triple big, *SIGH*.

I read a Michael Jackson tribute booklet (oops, another person on earth writing about him again...hey, but Michael, you are still in my heart!) in MPH of SACC mall...yep, he's a Virgo...but a lonely one...a special one...a gifted one...

.....and we all know these people are always destined to pass away from this world earlier than the rest of us.....

"I'm one of the loneliest persons in the world" was one of his quotes.

Me too.








There is a FLOWER in me BLOOMING beautifully but something is BREAKING....


But my Companion is always with me. So i'm always fine.

I will be fine.

Your Heart

The Morning sky from my almost lonely days.

Have you ever felt, whenever you listen to an old favourite song of which you haven't heard in many years, a flutter of feeling in your chest region? The heart beats faster? Or...flutters, in my case.

I do. Every song is always automatically associated with the situation / season/ phase of my life at the time of my liking of the song. And after a few years when i listen to it again...all memories come washing through my very soul. And makes my heart, overflow with many many emotions which can even make me scared...

I'm listening to Send My Best by Holly Valance from her 1st album back in 2003...bought for her autograph signing where my then pre-teen little brother got to peck Ms. Valance on her cheek. All on his own impulse. Leaving my parents so bewildered and his sister delighted...coz he was showing signs of being more braver than I am...and it is true till now :)

It is a very bittersweet and deep (for me) song...but the lyrics are contrasting, and of course i'm not a lyrical listener...

How much i miss my Self.

But it is coming back...

This song is giving me the shivers.

Alohomora - to infinite Doors...

A door is always waiting for you.

Whether it's open,

closed,

slightly ajar,

it's always there for you to deliberate on.

Sometimes there's only one door. Would you want to go in? Or ignore? Or just have a peek? We make the choice.

To make things seem more complicated (the beauty of God's ways), there is more than one door. And would you pass them all and NOT try even one door? No.

Because God pushes you to open doors as long as you are alive. You don't have to prepare anything. Just your belief in your God.

I see many doors. Some people literally 'push' me inside a random door of which only THEY know about. But with my own perseverance (albeit struggling), the door served me well.

For i BELIEVE in Allah's path for me.

I have opened my own doors and got many sweet alternatives in life. And also the bitter and sour parts thrown in.

Those are my musings for my own mind to mind and for ponderers to ponder.


Let's see what i'm feeling this weekend...


My entertainer...my Entertainer, Mr. Michael Jackson...has passed away.

And i experienced a new emotion on the previous morning of which i have never felt before in my whole life. I felt like my spirit was overcome with a sense of LOSS and my chest region was filled with...grief. I have just reached my office. And i know it was a new feeling because it wasn't fear or anxiety that i sometimes get (i'd blame it on my natural disposition), it was a DARK moment and i felt like i've 'forgotten' something. But then i got calmer and continued my day's work...

Next day that same constricted feeling came back when i heard on the radio of the news. They said it was not confirmed...but later it is.

My mum used to record videos of him, all compiled in a videotape and used to play it for me (or rather, it was playing and i watched it a lot) since i was a baby back in Cheras house.

Billie Jean - I LIKE it when he steps the floor and it lights up....and all the purple air about him!

Beat It - LOVE the jacket!

Thriller - disgusted, scared by it. But i liked the ghost dance hehe

Bad - Loved the parking lot and the smoke billowing around and his new white face...nice-looking, that time. Oh and i just watched the FULL video and there's Wesley Snipes too :)

And many more songs...but these FOUR videos/songs really got cemented into my memory forever.

Thank you sir....God bless you and may you rest in peace. I do not believe the allegations against you.

Down Lover's Lane

This was in the shady Permatang Pelajar pathway...i was in my 2nd year at USM and having a relaxing time (before exams...)

I have always been alone. But i'm not lonely.

But when i feel lonely; i am NOT alone. And i'm grateful for that. My LOVE is always with me.

...and other companions...

This is a time when i feel...i couldn't describe it...

You are my Paradise

You are my Obsession

You are my Wishes

You are Ease to my soul

You are Relief for my eyes

You are a Knock on the door of my heart

I know not much else, but i do know this;

I see my God in You, oh what am i to do?

I bow my head to You.

At times it is Your Fragrance; at times it is Your Words

You are that which Lightens up my heart

You are a lifetime of Treasures

Softly it came, tormenting me

Whenever you smile,

It makes the spirit inside me spin with Joy

You are my Good Fortune

You are my Devotion

*adapted from Tujh Mein Rab Diktha Hai. I dedicate this to the one who is in my heart.

Smooth Operator...healing my heart

*Ayah, do you mind me uploading this image?*

Erm, i've already uploaded it...It's one of my favourite paintings :)

Was my Virgo Sun/Sagittarius Moon/Leo Ascendant father's painting back in the 80's. The model was Brooke Shields. His most prettiest muse, my opinion.

Look at it. She's pretty. But see what's beside her head...THAT'S what captures my imagination.

I was already a crawling baby then...i crawled around the house and always passing by this painting and staring at it. I remember the 'yellowness' of it on top of the yellow carpet of our old Cheras house (no it's not a yellow house).

Have i mentioned that i had a long memory? My memory started very young; during infancy. I can remember all the fuzziness of a baby's perception of the world. The scents. The feel of things in my hand. The taste in my tongue of every food i eat. The sounds i hear.

I remember sitting on my father's lap watching him paint. Visiting him in his studio and watching him airbrush (such a thrilling device!). He represents my Sun.

I remember my mum feeding me, taking care of me. Most i remember, she always takes me out to town. Well it's my mother's hands that i remember most, coz it does alot of things to me and for me :D She represents my Moon.

Who represents my Ascendant? My brother of course. He came out 8 years after i have established my own Kingdom in my family...but he feels like my twin though.

WHO represents all three of me? My LOVE of course :)

And my future husband? Wait and see...but he must be my Sun. And i should be his Moon...

I took sick leave today. I was feeling blank yesterday....'MY HEART WAS NOT IN MY JOB' ...

That's what i automatically typed to November guy *bless you; you have been patient!* when the office felt too constricting to my very soul. I was able to do my job, and i was calm and controlled.

But my heart was crying....it was asking for a release, for some solitude, for some nourishment. NOURISHMENT. I have been neglecting my spiritual duties. That's why i became weaker and weaker as the weeks go by...and spirits seem to want to disturb me. And my bravery running low.

Slept and dreamt more deeper dreams. Woke up with work in my head; got it over and done with at 8:45 (emailing my colleagues) and now on to MORE healing of my heart.

I will need to go back to my realm.

Berkat Air Hujan...

....hujan asid....

Friday! It was a hazy morning...and it turned out to be a rainy evening....RAIN!!!!! RAIN HAS COME BACK TO ME!!! (before you judge my enthusiasm, let me elaborate)

It has been SO long since i REALLY enjoyed the rain, or FEEL the rain (you see, i'm writing in capital letters, see how delirious i am now)...maybe i was too absorbed in my work life to notice the rain OR maybe the rain was dull itself. Till today.

The whole day felt cold. I always feel the cold, but this cold was....COOL. It enhances my mood!!

....or was it because i slept soundly for a full 8 hours and it gave me energy without lethargy (what the...i should check that word next time before using it)...

But, on second thought, i was just mellow the whole morning and the afternoon...then when evening came, it was dark outside. Damp. And something is singing inside of me...

Later after work (when i finally get to go down after watching a game of ping-pong...hmm it really does make the office merrier when you add more men :D), we ran in the rain to cross to the other side. HEAVY RAIN. COOLING rain...It has CHARACTER and BODY (no, i'm not talking about coffee)...it carries...EMOTION!

This made me remember the time when i saw an almost rainy atmosphere in my office area, last year. I was standing across it, waiting. Then i took this picture (above). But it didn't rain...instead it just gave me drizzles of possibly acidic raindrops which hit my head and gave me micro-concussions (headache la).

I ran in the rain today and got drenched (but my Prism is still safely dry). It inspires me to write or rather, re-write lyrics from my favourite song from Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi...Haule Haule

Slowly...slowly...a breeze is blowing

Slowly...slowly...medicines are working

Slowly...slowly...prayers are answered

The Moon rises...slowly

A veil lifts...slowly

INTOXICATION hits you...slowly...

My Friend, have a little Patience,

Do not Worry so much,

Life is too short for that!

Slowly...you will be in Love

Slowly...you will be in Love

Slowly...you will be in Love

Water's content

Westin Hotel, 8th June 2008, 8:14am.

I was standing at the entrance of Westin Hotel. Early morning. RAINING. Looking at its neighbour, Pavilion. Which is like a second haunt for me. No, make that my official FAVOURITE haunt. Because we always seem to go there almost every week it feels ridiculous (but we go home satisfied; and i feel rejuvenated). What do we do there, you ask? Shopping? Hardly no.

We go there to EAT, WATCH MOVIES, AND WALK AROUND like we own the place...ha ha...

Forget about Pavilion. I'm missing it these few weeks...pathetic, i know...*rolls eyes*

Back to the picture. I was staying there with family and a family friend for one night. I got to sleep on the sofa (i'm always Sofa Girl in hotel rooms when i see the chance)...and i woke up at 5am.

Took a long bath. And making plans in my mind to go out and take a walk by myself. But of course realistically, i can't do that. So i just content myself in savouring the moment by listening to my music and exploring the hotel literature (brochures and menus laaa) quietly while the others slept...

Then they woke up...the girls...and we agreed to go out for a morning walk and find breakfast!!! Yippeee...i get to do what i wanted to do after all!

And so we went out and stood outside of the hotel entrance. Raining! (my heart was singing). And as the mummies went to borrow some umbrellas, that's when i took this photo.

It was surreal...me at my favourite place and basking in the morning rain...sheer bliss...practically no one on the road, or anywhere...it's just us...walking in the slow drizzle as we continued our walk to find breakfast...it's just like in my dream...


I think Venus will be written soon, the time has come. But...not tonight.

Creature of Love

Awana Genting Highlands 8th February 2009, 9:43am

We were out on a morning 'jog' (or stroll, as in my real intention)...after a big hearty breakfast (yum! my favourite meal of the day, and they serve it so good).

As we were going around towards the apartments below...MIST enveloped us. I was walking along after my brother and Sidekick and my mum, when i felt someone tapping my shoulder. But i know for sure there was no one behind me...only a thick blanket of mist...

Uhh, well there are and always will be Invisible Beings around us, no? :) Just ignore and respect...

Oh, to November Guy: Keep praying :) And you will be alright. I shall always pray for the well-being of all the people in my life.

After that mysterious and curious 'tapping' on my shoulder, i stopped after the bend and stared up front. The mist was slowly enveloping all around us...This is where i got the picture. And all thoughts about the 'Tapper' was gone instantly as i absorbed the beauty and coolness of the atmosphere...so cold yet i felt so warm inside...i felt like grinning like a Cheshire cat but my facial muscles was not working at that moment haha..

Change of topic. Venus is here.

Right, so i shall continue writing about the planet Venus. Venus shows our social side. Within relationships, we tend to show our Venus side. It's more pronounced when you are IN love. With a bang! That's the time when you will be MOST affected by Venus. Let's face it, Venus is the planet of LOVE (or more accurately, goddess of love in mythology).

Venus will only always be in 1 or 2 signs preceeding or following your Sun. If your Venus is in a different sign other than your Sun, then you will notice how differently you act when you are in a relationship, or when you are generally socialising.

If your Venus is in the SAME sign as your Sun...well you are just fortunate that you wouldn't get confused with yourself. Venus and Sun sharing the same sign means the characteristics are more true and stronger, and more enhanced. Your basic character suits your socialising methods.

My Venus is in Libra. I'm not going to describe how that is. But i can say that it is really different from my Sun in Scorpio...next time, maybe i will mention it here and there... :)

*sigh* back to my material world. My first big boss came to my office for a visit. So nice to see him again...i am forever grateful for his kindness and consideration. Him and my Saturnine female boss. If not for them both AND my favourite Pisces lady, i wouldn't still be working there...

*sigh* i would like to quote a Mercury man's words: "Love your job, don't love your company". Three times he repeated that to me. Interesting view...

I know what you are telling me

What's going on with you lately?



Hello again....that was nothing, just a part of a song's lyrics...hmm...it was a song i listened to, or associated with the One with the Cool Aura who calmed me :) With Love by Hilary Duff



I am actually, having an Expressionless Fatigue. I just coined that up. I was quite EXHAUSTED (mentally). There goes my pressure reading tomorrow, ouch...



Today i felt so alive yet so unattached to the world around me. Work was good. I survived. And i was clearly conscious. But i felt like i'm floating...





...like a bird flying around and realising that it is actually still only in the Bird Garden...which is still a giant...big...'cage'...





I have my main job. Still enjoy doing it. And then at times, helping with matters pertaining to THAT Customer. AND i had to still do extra responsibilities. Don't ask, i might tell later. NOT in the mood...

BUT I DO HAVE THE MOOD FOR: My Sweetheart Alya!!!

This one is one of my favourite pictures of her. When she was about a few months old. Her forehead, her nose, her mouth, her eyes, her eyebrows...her hands, her tiny tinkly voice (can also transform into plain big and loud)...her skin...her scent (the masam2 kind)....her NOSE (which is like a direct copy of my mother's) all equals to =

LOVELY.

Now she's all grown up and might i add, BLOSSOMED (Oh hey! She IS Blossom...while her two other sisters can each be the other two Powerpuffs) into a pretty girl of 4 years...my father just came back from KB and with videos of her...oh wow....

When she was born, she wasn't such a pretty baby. But she has the PRESENCE. And that gives her beauty. She was dark; she's not fair.

She has her own mind.

She is intelligent.

She is attractive, charming. Loud. Demanding. But so sweet when she chooses to be.

She has the headstrong character of an Aries...the true inner being of a regal Leo...and the sheer mannerisms and conditioning of a Virgo.

She felt good in my arms :)

Alright. I'm off to Dreamworld.

Black and White or Colour?

"Black and White la" *coz it's more cheaper* hehehe...

Went to print at an internet cafe...well my pretty trustworthy (and hardworking) printer of USM days is now unknown, as to its whereabouts...*sigh* i've neglected it...but it was actually faulty. Right after i reached home for good back from that island...

And wiled away the time by doing personality tests, and i found a great site...www.personalityquiz.net

Oh i'm still recovering from the shock of my results...especially about my priorities in life, eep...

*sigh* alright, till here...

Shakira's next door...

Apparently.

Guitarist boy playing to that song of hers...hmm...what was that...oh well can't come to memory.

Had an okay Friday...no no, it was good. Only that i was irritated sometime in the afternoon. Some BRILLIANT people thought i went for an interview yesterday when i was on leave. Bah.

Oh, let them be...with their own rash assumptions...horrendous even, in my definition. Huh. I'm bothered because it interferes with my intentions. Don't ask.

Oh! The Feather touched me again! (NOW i know what the Thing that i had no name for few years back: I'm calling it the Feather. It came to me, the name. It is a Feather because it FEELS that way.)

Note: I just took my dose of drugs. ANTIBIOTICS for my gums. Don't jump to conclusions. Hence, this post is gonna look all 'jumpy' and readability challenged. Err, there i go again.

ANYWAY...The Feather came to brush past me. So so pretty :)

Look at the picture below (time for my loopiness). Can you guess what this really is? Hint: I was hit by a crazy sense of creativity with an unlikely material into an unlikely mental image.

I'm going to throw caution to the wind and just Ramble...

I am clearly needing more sleep (you see...how can you CLEARLY need sleep...) I OBVIOUSLY need some shut-eye.

Yet i am staying up because i am mentally bright and hyper.

Side effects: i can't be as bright in the day...but i get to just 'float' along in my own way...

Had two more upper back teeth growing. And apparently it's of no use, my favourite but very quiet dentist (MORE quiet than me) said, so i might as well get rid of it. After my gum stops swelling by next week probably.

Walked nearby MSU with a USM student saunter (go figure that out yourself).

Goals:
1. be humble like a bumblebee (Transformers is on TV now, argh).
2. No more downgrading (yes Ma'am*)
*you know who you are *wink*
3. Work hard on remembering my dreams.

Yes. Ok. Next time.

Rimba Mistikal

Thanks no, TRIPLE QUADRUPLE thanks to my mummy for successfully downloading the song 'Tari Cinta Rimba Mistikal' by M. Nasir. I got tired of my search for the song, grrr...maybe i was just out on patience due to my busyness these few weeks...


I heard the song only once on radio, about 2 years ago. Lying down, early in the morning at 6:30 to 7am...waking up after one of my dreams and i decided to listen anything that's on morning radio...

There was a Cold. A certain crispness in the air (vaguely). Morning drizzle, outside of my window. It was just a random song...and i didn't change the channel for the music caught my ears...prettily calling me to Dream World...

No. They never mentioned the title or the singer. Darn it, but i was VERY sure in my heart that i will get it. Just like how i got Tarkan's 'Simarik' song. Which i only got after THREE years. Why 3 years? Because i didn't know the title, just the singer. And it's Turkish, so it's kind of hard to find...AND i only saw it ONCE on live TV.

How did i MATERIALISE my 'meeting' with the song? Sheer Linda Goodman theory: you will get what you want strongly in your heart. Err...it's called determination...though mine doesn't really work in the normal way...

Halt right there: WHAT IS NORMAL??? Stop this nonsense and let' get on.

Anyway, i was determined that i will FIND the song. (Back then, there was no Youtube of MP3 downloads...wonders of wonders, hmm). Then....the song came to me.

This is not about Simarik, so i shall keep the delightful memory of when i finally GOT the song :) maybe in future, yes?

Rimba Mistikal. Nothing spectacular (by my standards) about the music, but it's a great sound. And i LIKE it. But i never tried searching for it. Busy again (with this material world...gosh). Then last week, maybe the song was calling to me STRONGER than ever. Not maybe, it WAS calling to me. NOW. Right at this time in my life. So i start to search for it just relying on a wild guess (which was right, and i can't resist patting myself on my head, hee hee...).

Though M. Nasir's lyrics challenge my interpretation skills, he does know how to put colour in his words. My father's a fan. Me sometimes, some of his songs.

THIS one is my no.1 favourite. I'm pasting the lyrics here! *rolls eyes* ugh, i do not actually like pasting lyrics but today is an exception!


Tari Cinta Rimba Mistikal

Tinggallah segala sengsara
Kembalilah bersama tari cintaku

Kepada asalmu
Meniti masa purnama purba
Membelai tangisan mimpi-mimpi suci
Di rimba mistikal

Bebaslah segala cahaya
Memancar sinarnya ke rimba mistikal
Yang kian ternoda
Memancar rahsianya ke rimba mistikal
Yang kian ternoda (ke rimba mistikal)

Oh, rimba mistikal
Dengarlah suara batinku

Oh, rimba mistikal
Kini semakin bergelora

Oh, rimba mistikal
Dengarlah suara batinku

Oh, sayang, marilah kita
Menari kerana cintanya

Oh, sayang, marilah kita
Menari kerana rimbanya


They say, everything comes in due time. When you are ready, God gives you what only HE knows you are ready for.

Next time, see you :)

P.S: I got to talk to Alya. Oh my...what a big voice...

I do not condone Racism

Racism.. lets put an end to it Racism… STOP RACISM HERE AND NOW





A black man walks into a cafe one early morning
he noticed that he was the only black man there.
As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him…
The white man said “coloured people arent allowed in here.”
The black man turned around and stood up then said….





” When I was born I was black,”
“When i grew up I was black,”
“When I’m sick I’m black,”
“When I go in the sun I’m black,”
“When I’m cold I’m black,”
” When I die, I’ll be black,”


” But you sir,”
” When you were born you were pink,”
“When you’re sick your green,”
” When you go in the sun you turn red,”
“When you’re cold you turn blue,”
” And when you die, you’ll turn purple.”
“AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL ME COLOURED?”



Then the black man sat down and the white man walked away…





Please copy this onto your blogs and help erase Racism.

Beehives

Stung by a bee
And you hate it
Drink honey
and you say it's good for your health

You say you like
Then you don't like
in fact, you even hate it
because you are self-conscious

The key is there
but you do not reach for it
because if you hold it
you are not sure which door it opens

You have the answers
but you choose to ignore
because you are *Lost
and you are helplessly looking for your other half

when you are actually looking for your Self.

you feel like you will find your Self
when you meet the other Half of yourself
but could that be?
or have you gone the Wrong way of life?

Your heart is tearing up inside
yet you HOLD it still
and it just keeps bleeding...slowly...
with no repair.

someone is there
but you do not hold him/her there
and you drop,
to the well of despair inflicted by yourself

the call of loneliness is heard
but you turn away
knowing that it is only a dead end
from which you may find grasses more greener; a long search, no matter the distance

you write with your Heart slowly beating in your chest
words flow,
sparkles of prettiness welling up,
within the silence you keep.

He is watching
Testing
Knowing
more than you know yourself

the Glory of the Gift He bestows,
is not to be wasted,
so you shall go on...
with your secrets.

Decode this,
and you shall come into my sleep
where all my life comes into colours
and guides me to the travels Beyond

Every day is an open book
every feeling is a treasure
of which we SHOULD savour
and never look back.

NEVER look back.

NEVER look back.

NEVER look back.

Miss Sunday

I was a Sunday baby. They say that Sunday babies are of the bonny kind.



But i was born not THAT bonny...i was more quiet and having my own world...and i don't smile much i guess...like i 'forgot' to attend the Cheerfulness class before i came to this world.



Oh but i do laugh alot. And i couldn't stop for hours after that replaying the funny thing that tickled my mind. When i was a child.



Argghh but growing up, i hate Sundays. Especially when i was in school. Sunday always means: last day of the weekend and i need to think of Monday.



Yes...now i know...i have always been a Thinker ever since...always anxious of the Future, when i should be just living in the Present. I also dwell on the Past, though that wouldn't surprise some of you, would it?



Sunday is just...a Sun Day, literally, to me. It's always too hot. Saturdays are always cooler for me, and i enjoy waking up very very early in the morning to feel the changing of day. I even dream better on Saturdays.



I get down on Sundays....physically.



But don't worry...that changed, when i went to University. Thanks to the new environment and flexible schedules, i changed my view of Sundays....err...



Sundays then became the day where i-have-an-assignment-due-this-week-and-i-need-to-rush-and-take-advantage-of-this-free-day. Haha, so what's new? Still the worrier!



Cut to the present working world. Sundays are just fine for me :) It doesn't feel any different from any days. I enjoy whenever i get to go out. I get to sleep extra hours. I get to do my hobbies.



And spend my time preparing mentally for the new working week. *SIGH*....how can you blame me? I can't stop and enjoy the present, i just seem to relish the thought of Tomorrow...with all its possibilities....





Forget it. I will change. I must.



Here:

It is a blob of lotion that i squeezed out of a container. And the resulting 'blow' of the air creates a holey dent in the centre. And it's beautiful...i had to stare at it long...therapeutic in a way...




White IS my colour then. Complimenting my Crystalline auric egg.





I took a quiz: What nationality are you? And my result is: German. How true some sort...i don't remember the descriptions but i know it suited me :P

Sound of Silence

Yes, there is a sound in silence. I hear it. Sit in silence, and there is a certain...deafening...of sound. Which could come only from the silence generated.

Unless someone would want to help point out to me that my MIND could make sounds...now that would make my day...knowing that there could be something wrong with my mind if i could hear NOISE in silence.

Could even be whispers? From the Invisibles? Or even my Companions? Or even my own Higher Self? Or just the humans' close friend and enemy: the 'Red'.

Psychologically, i would say i spend too much time alone to be actually writing about this. Let's get on to more exciting matters!

"This is John Connor."

Simple name, simple words, even more simple appearance, but a very venerable presence he is, in a very stealthy way. In fact, 'SIMPLE' doesn't even cover it. Bale has done a good job by acting the role.

No no, the hunk (pardon the pun, hehe) of metal up there is not John Connor of course, it is my favourite cyborg...the T-800 model...i'm quite fascinated by it. Ever since i was small. Hey, if you must know, i even hid behind the chair waiting for it to appear in Terminator 2: Judgement Day. It was THAT scary for me; refer back to the first war scene of the movie where 'it' steps on a human skull. You'll see what i mean.

I already watched Terminator: Salvation twice. Why? Because i LOVED it. I have waited and anticipated for it since November of last year. And i'm not disappointed...really, truly, madly, deeply liking the movie. Because i see what i saw in the movie that others do not. So sue me :) I can't put into words...but what i see is that it focuses more on the humanitarian part...we are way past the 'indestructible-robot-shocking-humans' era now...it's on to the WAR. Humans staying alive.

Obviously, the movie doesn't fare very well with others...some people would expect the usual robotic action scenes of the earlier trilogy (yes, i discovered that Salvation is the first of a new trilogy of this series...much like Star Wars. It is meant to be a prequel to The Terminator of 1984) and this one is different...John Connor is central, now.

Hmm...back to my readings. I FINISHED BREAKING DAWN!! Yes, i've finished the Twilight saga...and it is, a great story. I find myself liking Renesmee Carlie Cullen. And being imprinted upon by Jacob! So, so spectacular...

Ahem...well i need to stop now...there are other things i need to research. So till later...

Stay Alive.

Of Writing Tendencies

Some write long.

Some write short.

Some so vivid with their own imagination.

Some so 'unvivid' (i won't say dull) that you can just doze off after reading their 1st paragraph of essay.

Ohhh what i have discovered, is that for people who read a lot, and also take up writing as a hobby, they tend to be influenced by the books that they read. Sometimes even the style of the author. In my case...uh, blame it on the heroines i read. Hmm. Boarding school stories like Naughtiest Girl, St. Clare's, Mallory Towers...Rebecca Devine...Anne Shirley...Emily Starr...Jo March...and *sheepish* even Bella Swan of Twilight series. Add to that my own inborn dreamy and introverted personality. I can almost imagine sparkly stars around me when i'm in a good mood ('not-stressed' is the correct term).

Oh, i'm on to Breaking Dawn. Already halfway through (got immersed in it since yesterday laaa...) and i couldn't put it down. Bad, bad...

Today, i'm inspired by white. Hmm, beautiful, like a dove.

Cheeee....so much for ignoring and acting indifferent.

Oh, and there's a reptile in cyberspace. Hahahaha...wonder if she got HERE??? Jeng jeng jengggg.... *wink*

I need to sleep....and continue my Breaking Dawn!

Of Books and Words...

Yeah, words are in books...but not all books contain words...and not all words are in book form...



Whatever happened to humans?



We were once upon a time, so great. AND i mean GREAT.



I'm sorry...but i am of the opinion that the human race is ever so dwindling now.



As so-called 'technology' is getting so 'modern'. What did we create? Things that are basically, to make life for us humans, easier. EASIER???



Yes...handphones. Computers. Transportation. All things electronic.



The truth is, i'm sort of a 1st level-techno maniac. I'm not THAT good in all gadgetry there is, but i admit i somehow do have some sense in err, communicating with anything that comes into my hand. What other people (in MY group that is) can't seem to get, i can. And i can operate it.



My favourite words are 'Control Panel', 'Settings', and 'Menu' (that could include the Food Menu, too, hehehehe...). Ask my father. He somehow banned me from touching his newly-bought digital camera. Though immediately after purchase he SAID he wanted me to read through the manual and help him explore the features. I had agreed and even helpfully (with a bright smile in my heart) offered to keep it with me for a whole night, for me to work on it. But no we both forgot our deal, later.



Next day he announced happily that it is a great camera and added sharply to me "ayah dah buat setting dah, jangan kacau!". Oh well, just shrug and smile....can't blame him haha...

I'm telling you, i'm 'drowned' in the Twilight saga, i'm already on to Breaking Dawn. Not that i'm TOO crazy about Edward Cullen, but well the concept of a vampire who doesn't take human blood and can be in a love relationship with a human girl is appealing. Though the human girl must be somewhat otherworldly herself...aware enough to love her potential killer...phew....

HELP!!!! I'm scared of these next two weeks. Sure sure, i'm trying to calm myself down...but i can't help worrying. Specially about my two-month co-ordinating responsibility and having to hand over back to the main PIC...it's like spending time with her baby for two months and feeling nervous to give it back to her for fear that she wouldn't 'recognise' the baby because of my short err, 'upbringing' of it.

I'm not making sense up there, am i?

Ok, next time. I CLEARLY need to calm myself...

Disturbia

The Mind's in Disturbia....

Just my caller ringtone. My mum's irritated by it and now i had to get a special caller ringtone just for her (her fave song la...).

I seem to write alot in brackets. It keeps popping up. Blame it on Emily Byrd Starr for infiltrating into me with her styles of writings. And a touch of Anne Shirley.

A new post after a few weeks...i was busy with that new responsibility of mine at work. Fate was, and still is, at work, now. The person i wanted to ignore....just happened to be 'stuck' working with me. How can i ignore then?

A heart is disturbed. It's...restless.

Feels..like being brushed by something so feathery light...it's pleasant.

'Windows' are beautiful.

The soul is almost bared.

Oh, i got a very beautiful dark-red heart from my dear colleague...a kind November-born man...his own design. It gets gradually bigger, and finally, it's enveloped in gold sparkly embellishments, and it's against a red background, which inspires me to interpret it:

The heart was in darkness. It grows, ever so surely and steadily. It grows with PASSION. And when it matures...it finds Love, and be enveloped by the beautifying effects of it...reaching to greatness, or POWER if you could call it...yes, Love is a Powerful entity...and many facets to it. Oh, but i'm digressing here...

This heart design has shown me subtly, of my goal in life. Which i DID NOT see till now.

Of Jeremy Mhire and Sweet cravings

Woke up by the silent sound of my mother coming into my room probably checking for laundry...then i tried very hard to continue my dream in which i was apparently trying to explain to someone about something interesting. Then my physical pain is keeping me awake, but which gives me a reason to rest...it was abit excruciating...tomorrow i will be okay :)

Today i can smile. Tomorrow at work, i hope i can still smile. I'm counting on my inspiration to cheer me up. But then i also realise that it all depends on my mind and willpower. What's more, something new is coming up this week, ush...ohhh there it is, my stomach pain is coming back at the slightest mention of the thing that scares me *shudder*...

Well! Let's live in the present...and relax.

Jeremy Mhire. He was someone i admired about 7 years ago. He and some other 4 people. All righttt i admit my teenage self was smitten by him (hee hee hee!) and it was just a normal, teen interest. Music. Boys. Bands...

Sorry for the cliched expression, but it's not just any band. It has entered my life, and changed my perspective. Forever. And enhanced my beliefs.

I like the fact that they are different than me but they taught me something vital for my own religion. Controversial? If you think it so. Since touched by their music, my journey with a much much higher awareness of HIS presence started. Everyday, every second.

And i faced alot of bumps and unfortunately, hard falls along the way. Suffered. All by myself.

Presently, i'm reaching, as i always have been, for my own sweet Melody which will accompany me along the road.

Before i forget, ALHAMDULILLAH. The religion of Peace is my own. I love it. I love our Prophet and i feel for his cause. But i also feel saddened that his people are so bad now. Bad is a very small word to decribe.

Read the Salawat and i always feel calmed. All my troubles seem to fade away to be replaced by colours of life.

As this time of month, i have such alarmingly unique cravings for sweet foods and drinks. Well actually i don't eat so much of sweetness but the amount i have taken today is making me feel so much like a Hyppo without the Blue. And bloated feeling doesn't help. What do i do? Down plain water as much as i can (mineral water. I have an acquired taste for it which makes it very difficult for me to take distilled, reverse osmosis, or simple boiled tap water. There goes my plan to reduce buying plastic bottles. Argh.) and trying to take out all my guiltiness in here. Oh, haha.

Oh, i was talking about astrology last night, right?

Linda Goodman is THE author to look out for if you want the real information on western astrology. Provided that you are strong in your own beliefs, her Star Signs book is also quite enlightening (though i wouldn't recommend to my own future child to read it, unless he/she acquires it after i have properly introduced them to our CREATOR and the religion of PEACE). I would recommend anyone with an interest in signs, to read Linda Goodman's Sun Signs. THAT, is one of my favourite literature of all time.

Sun sign. That is the one determined by our date of birth. So mine is on 13th November 1983, that would make me a Scorpio Sun. Regarding the date of birth, it must be the right one. There are so many unfortunate people who are either orphaned or had their birth dates wrongly written on the certificates. I myself checked with my parents numerous times (much to their amusement and slight irritation) about my birthdate. Hehe...well my father says i surely can't be someone else's baby because i took on alot of his traits. Minus the drawing talent though, tsk tsk...and at the time i was born, i was the only baby in the hospital. Want to know something interesting? TUNE hotel in KL was once the hospital i was born in, haha...and my mother says her room was on the side facing the monorail track now...gosh, so exciting looking at it, reminiscing how i 'landed' there and became my parent's 1st baby and terribly loony daughter...

*clears throat* okay. Did i say i was loony? And yet i told you i was a (confirmed) Scorpio? How can there be a loony Scorpio?

Now here's where the TIME of birth comes into view. I know it's ridiculously hard to actually know your birth time, most people don't care about it. But it is important if you want to know why you are not typical of your Sun sign. In my case, why am i not like a real Scorpio like they always described?

For this one, you have to begrudgingly trust the one who recorded your time of birth and just leave it at that. No use cursing them if you feel there's a mistake. If the time is not available, never despair...the time is just to note our ASCENDANT or RISING SIGN. If the time is not known, we can still roughly calculate all our signs, Sun, Moon, Mercury, etc just by the full birth date (day/month/year) and still come up with your own individual picture.

All right...the probable dummy wrote...sorry, i mean my birth certificate records that i was born 1 pm. 1 in the afternoon. 1300. What, i was born exact on the hour? Sorry, sorry....haha...okay let's stop acting sceptical and go ahead.

From the time, we can calculate our BIRTH CHART. Listing all our signs by planet. Yes, i said planets. More on that later.

My Ascendant or Rising sign is: AQUARIUS. THE craziest, looniest, sign in the zodiac. AQUARIUS + SCORPIO = contradiction of sorts.

The bonus fact: My MOON sign is also: in AQUARIUS.

Here we have 3 forefront aspects of personality in Astrology: The Sun, the Moon, and the Ascendant. I am a Scorpio + Aquarius + Aquarius.

If you ever meet me, you would see these effects. A Scorpio with a double Aquarius just can't seem to be taken too seriously (which adds up to my frustration when too many people misunderstand me)...

The Sun is our BASIC character. No matter what moon or ascendant or other planets we have, we are always our Sun. I am always a Scorpio, my basic self and my character. Period.

But the 'pengacaus' (those other planets i mean) are there to ADD VARIETY (or spice) to our personality.

The ascendant is our APPEARANCE. Tada! It's our mask that hides our Sun. This is where whe start to become different from others of our Sun sign. I have the appearance of an Aquarian girl: child-like. Dreamy expression. Seemingly detached from the world. (ouch...) Sometimes awkward. Sometimes i look tall. But actually i'm just of average height. My hair has its own life. Partly frizzy. With a distinctive curl on my ponytail. I have at least one weird feature on my face/body (i have numerous). But this part of the self is also the one that ONLY the ones closest to us recognise. It is our inner personality. I'm loony, crazy, snoopy, smurfy, garfield girl all the way. With my family members and close friends.

The Moon sign is our EMOTIONAL self. Aha....and a tiny little catch: We show our Moon sign when we meet a new person or new people for the first time. This is our HABITS conditioned from early life, or childhood. Habits. Which dictates manners. Habits which we get from our conditioning from our parents or elders.

*sigh*....My Moon is also Aquarius. Unfortunate. People are always going to see my dreamy detached demeanour always.

The Moon also shows emotional states. Yes. I am the scientist. Detached from feelings. I do not feel, i think too much. My Moon and Ascendant contradicts my Sun so much it creates frustration. When i feel, my Aquarian side tells me to think rationally (which is actually a good thing, considering the Scorpio nature to be swept away by their passions).

So where is my Scorpio? THIS is me. The Scorpio writing. I am private, i am quiet, i am deep in some ways. I was born sturdy. I can be dark, i can choose to be light. When i like, i like deeply. When i hate, i do it with vengeance (this is more pronounced in childhood...now i'm subdued, i hope). I have jealousy (again, i see this only in childhood, when my father ignored me for all the other kids who, in my small girl's eyes, don't seem to have their own father to play with *fuming* but i have my mother who is always there for me, bless her). And many other dark things i keep inside and bringing out my lighter aspects.

Tomorrow is a week at work. Good night...i shall continue.

Of Blue shirts...

All right, maybe there is something wrong with me. I seem to find that men who wear blue shirts always look sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nice. Not all, but somehow when a man i know wears blue, he looks so nice.

Or maybe it's just colour therapy...my moods make me attracted to blue...probably coz it calms me (hmm, a lightbulb moment: maybe i should have more blues around me...bright blues!) and it sort of rejuvenates my eyes...

Yeahhh....definitely. My colleague just changed her sweater to a bright blue...and i become more able to see her in a 'clear' light (she's one of those pessimistic negative office staff...she drains me at times). Now she just looks more pleasant and my auric egg is not disturbed by her irritances. Phew.

......................

I was a bit down. Today. At work.

I'm trying to fight it off.

Of Nerves

I was born nervous. I think. Well, why did i come out 2 days after the water broke? My mum was probably cursing this stubborn baby the whole time hehehe...

*sigh*. My nerves got a good attack today. Tomorrow is a big day for me...well my paranoia made it big...i had to follow my boss to meet the Customer (a big one, locally, i tell you...)...as i will be taking over of the job co-ordinating from my colleague who will be taking 2 months maternity leave.

He's a boss who's persistent. I don't have to describe more.

Not that i mind that much about the new responsibility...so long as i'm able to learn...but the real problem lies in the other staffs' excitement about the new arrangement. They even predicted that i will face more stress with this job and i should ask for a pay rise. I felt like slamming a black-butted kuali on their noses...

Every real job creates stress. So what's new? And i do not believe in being paid for more than i'm worth...for those of you pestering me to pester my boss about my paycheck, BUZZ OFF.

They say remember your parents when you feel lost. I did. Mum says i should just DO it and ignore what people say. And she also knows how it's very hard for me to ignore people.

My dad says something which makes me remember my own principles: do not think of rewards. Do your job WELL and do not always take the easiest way of doing work. Looking at his painting, i see his honesty. I see his commitment towards quality. He takes care of the little2 tiny2 details that other artists would just be glad to ignore. And his clients appreciate his work.

*sigh* how come my parents are so strong...

I was thinking too much i got a bad headache. But today's not all tense...there's a Rainbow in my life (hmm, my nickname for my new inspiration) and it cheered my heart up :)

And to add more calm, i ask for peace from the ONE who is Always Around....and i got it.

Thank you...Praises to HIM!!

Note: i now understood fully my father's Virgo traits after sitting with him while he paints, this evening. He's a Virgo, but why is he so cluttered and disorganised in his surroundings???

The magical answer is: he is busy pouring out all his energy and spirit and into his paintings. And his paintings are DETAIL ORIENTED it makes you dizzy just wondering at his effort to create the details. He 'spruces' it up to make it 'flawless'...he makes it so 'clean'...he criticises it harshly (we all have a grrreeeaattt time convincing him that it is already fine and the client will like it but no...he is still unsatisfied.) That's where you can see the Virgo side of him...

Other than that, you would just see his Sagittarian fun-lovingness and Leo demeanour...in his Moon and Ascendant respectively...

Hmm. It's all in the mind. The mind works wonders. Now i need to sleep, to rest.

Venus will have to wait.

Zig zag lightning

So much of work. But i must be grateful. At least i HAVE work. I am busy, and i am not 'goyang kaki'. As lazy as i am originally, i would hate to be doing nothing at a place where i go everyday to work. If i don't have work, then i might as well spend time at home and relax and probably go out somewhere interesting!

Pisces lady is now heavily pregnant. Err, maybe i'm using the incorrect expression but well, my head is off-centre today...what with the unexpected dull pain in my stomach region and the cold in the office and such heavy rain...

There was a LOUD rumble which sounded like a building being bombed. But then it's actually the thunder. And the lightning almost blinded my vision. Don't worry, i survived crossing the road hehe...

Anyway, she looks like she's going to be giving birth anytime so soon...looking so breathless and so tired...

She's not going to the meeting with me. *groan*.

Well guess i shall just have to do it alone then. With my superior (who has the same birthdate as i am). Oh....here i come...

*sigh* there's this one character i feel very intrigued about...this person is a double Scorpio...Sun and Moon...

I can't disclose much. Later maybe.

I was talking about the three Luminaries: Sun, Moon and Ascendant. The three most recognisable, most apparent aspects of ourselves.

Sun is our basic character and our life motivation. Who we are.

Moon is our emotional self...or, feminine self. As opposed to the Sun, which represents the masculine. So, based on my own deduction...women can be defined by their Moon signs and men by their Sun signs. So, i would actually be an Aquarian girl rather than a Scorpio one...

But nahhh...i decided to abandon that. Even though i feel it's true, but i also agree that women AND men are the SAME. Both have masculine and feminine sides to them. Period. Hence, Sun and Moon should be important for both.

Ascendant is our inner self (the one that only the closest to us can see)...most importantly, our appearance and our physical characteristics (it will modify the Sun's characteristics abit).

Now...let's get on to Mercury. It is usually the same as your Sun sign, or it could be the one next to it. Mercury is: the planet of communication. Our thinking processes. Our communication styles. The topics that we like to talk about. The way we talk. Our speech patterns. Fast, or slow? Sharp, or pleasant?

I have a Scorpio Sun and also a Scorpio Mercury. Scorpio Mercury. Makes me interested in mysteries, the dark side of life, religion, philosophy, psychology, etc....

I can use sharp words when i let myself get angry. It will hurt that someone like a blunt knife cutting through the arm (this is stretching the description...this is my Mercury at work, writing, and suddenly describing gloriously violent things...). I used to be outwardly sarcastic. But now i say things with a smile...try to tell myself to 'sabar'...

Someone told me i spoke in a monotone. Like i don't have expression in my voice. Huh? Well let me just think that through. I know the answer. I'm just THAT way. That's the way i speak. At times it's varied, but well mostly i make myself talk like that. Hmm, hard to explain.

So that's Mercury. Briefly.

Next time.

Love Hit...

Love is a funny entity. It is not a thing (i refuse to call it so, because it is BIGGER than a...thing.)

After all these years since my childhood, i finally begin to make sense of the phrase "Love makes the world go round".

Venus made me delay in writing and updating. Sooooo sorry to my own self...

Simple. My mind does not think too much today. Drove my father's BMW to Azira for lunch with family. Weeee....how smooth! And i can drive! Err, not quite a professional, yet...but still...if my father can say that my driving is good...i should be grateful...but i realise i drive abit too fast for my mother's liking...oh well :)

And, not just there...but straight on to The Curve/Cineleisure for movies!! My parents went in for The Professional, I and brother to The Race To Witch Mountain. Then my father suggested we make a marathon: watch Taken right after our movies!

Good movie. Liam Neeson, woowwwww.....i was awed by his height and his...presence! And he looks older when he was Qui-Gon Jinn...here, he was even dashing. Hee hee....

So after the movie marathon, we went for dinner....and then guess what?

My hand reached for my father's Sun Tzu's The Art of War in the passenger door compartment.

More knowledge.

More awareness.

I'm just starting to read it....after learning and hearing about it all through my history lessons...

This 22nd March will be remembered as the day i first read this book.

Hello

This is my writings. I'm back after about 7 years of losing trust in writing, online or on paper. But i do continue to keep a daily, yearly journal. Recording all of what happens on each day. Only the positive ones, the negative, i learn that there is no point in dwelling about the past in writing. Just keeping it in my mind is sheer torture.

Thanks to Kak R or NJ, i decided that this is the signal that my subconscious is waiting for...that is to find an outlet for my musings...and just leave my mark somewhere...and to satisfy my urge to express in words...and to keep a part of THE Nur Syuhada, here.

That's why...i'm guessing this is sort of an intended 'Horcrux' somewhat (you may laugh, if you have read Harry Potter!)...as i feel i need to, keep a part of myself somewhere.

Tonight, i say that i shall put all of my personal studies and researches here. I learn all my favourite topics, delight in it, but i didn't write them down!

When i was 6 years old. Standard One. In Bangsar after ballet class. Wearing pink leotard and white skirt. In Bookazine on Jalan Telawi Lima (It was not as glitzy and pretentious like it looks now) beside Pizza Hut where i had a drink with the frothy cream on top (i think my mum mentioned it was Irish coffee or something, now it's not on their menu)...

Mum bought me a Garfield poster, with the cat representing each 12 western astrological signs, and some text on their characteristics. It's hanging on my door now. Sure, i didn't actually understand what it was but then i kept on reading it, re-reading it, and reading it. That's where i discovered that i am born of the Scorpio month. "Ohh, B is a Scorpion!" my parents exclaimed. What's the big deal? Apparently, scorpions are the 'menyengat' kind...other people too, said that.

I analysed the descriptions on the twelve signs.

Thereon, my interest in the occult ignited.

I started to read western astrology (which is, the kind that the majority of us knows today...Aries, Taurus, Gemini, etc. from those horoscope columns they put in papers). I tested it. It worked.

But don't get your interpretations hyped up. THE HOROSCOPES/PREDICTIONS DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. Therefore, i do not believe in horoscope predictions about the future.

What captured my passion then? THE PERSONALITY TRAITS. It entices me. Arouses my curiosity.

I shall continue next time.

Regarding the working world, i am now anticipating a new responsibility that the boss is persistent in making me do it (after my plea to him to consider my lack of experience) and it shall start next week. He succeeded in making me agree to try the new responsibility. I do not want to discuss the details here, yet. *groan*

Fear?

I'd rather not think about it tonight and i shall go to work this week, and depend on my Companion and my inspirations to prevent me from fainting of anxiety.