Judges of Forces

People judge.
God is the only, ultimate Judge and the Most Fair.

Therefore i trust HIM more than i trust a human judge.

These are simple words.
But i am writing this with my own vehemence.

A quote from my brother (and from somewhere): "Who am i to judge?"

Yes, who are we to judge.

But i assure you...i do judge. We do judge. You can't say that you NEVER judge.


There....the awkwardness of the English language sound has come to me right this second: J.U.D.G.E. A funny-looking word.

Forgive my lapse of eccentricity. See? I judge myself too. I might be prejudiced when i think people are judging me. But i might also be right about them.

Outward appearances.
What people CHOOSE to show you.
What our EYES see (superficially)....
are misleading. Period.

WYSIWYG is not a term that you would actually use in these times. Yes, What You See, Is What You Get. Add that to your own....judgement.

Things are not what they Seem.

God hides His Beauty in front of us.

It's not for our Eyes to see,

But to use our Hearts to comprehend...

My Heart is coming out.

Quench my Desire...

Give in To Me by Michael Jackson the Virgo-Pisces man....no one can get more soft-spoken than that...

They say life is what you make of it. True.

But they never say anything about what others are doing to you and your life, when it is clearly none of your business, but you are definitely 'dragged' into the mayhem. Of someone else's mishap.

So it is another test. And my head's almost blown up. But i'm saner. And it's dumb to get all hyped up.

But i do want to murder and curse someone.

I have been bad.

But people have been bad to me too. In outrageously unique ways and having shockingly unique relation to me.

I am digressing...it has been a hot holiday...figuratively and literally...

Work, here i come.

Cruising along Gentle Waters

Listening to Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis's (i THINK that's the guy's name) song 'Cruisin'.

Baby tonight belongs to us...
Music is played for love....

Haha...those are some snippets...nothing related to my emotions...just my psychological state of mind maybe...

On Thursday (yesterday) i discovered that i am still able to spiral my mind and RECEIVE signals from another part of myself (no, i'm not trying to be freaky it just comes out that way)...by writing. I just wrote few words...and a voice, almost unknown, BUT familiar and comfortable, talks with me and the words flow out from my consciousness...through my veins...through my muscles...and flow smoothly as ink on paper.

It was a communication that i was waiting for, and missing.

Let me heave a triple big, *SIGH*.

I read a Michael Jackson tribute booklet (oops, another person on earth writing about him again...hey, but Michael, you are still in my heart!) in MPH of SACC mall...yep, he's a Virgo...but a lonely one...a special one...a gifted one...

.....and we all know these people are always destined to pass away from this world earlier than the rest of us.....

"I'm one of the loneliest persons in the world" was one of his quotes.

Me too.








There is a FLOWER in me BLOOMING beautifully but something is BREAKING....


But my Companion is always with me. So i'm always fine.

I will be fine.

Your Heart

The Morning sky from my almost lonely days.

Have you ever felt, whenever you listen to an old favourite song of which you haven't heard in many years, a flutter of feeling in your chest region? The heart beats faster? Or...flutters, in my case.

I do. Every song is always automatically associated with the situation / season/ phase of my life at the time of my liking of the song. And after a few years when i listen to it again...all memories come washing through my very soul. And makes my heart, overflow with many many emotions which can even make me scared...

I'm listening to Send My Best by Holly Valance from her 1st album back in 2003...bought for her autograph signing where my then pre-teen little brother got to peck Ms. Valance on her cheek. All on his own impulse. Leaving my parents so bewildered and his sister delighted...coz he was showing signs of being more braver than I am...and it is true till now :)

It is a very bittersweet and deep (for me) song...but the lyrics are contrasting, and of course i'm not a lyrical listener...

How much i miss my Self.

But it is coming back...

This song is giving me the shivers.

Alohomora - to infinite Doors...

A door is always waiting for you.

Whether it's open,

closed,

slightly ajar,

it's always there for you to deliberate on.

Sometimes there's only one door. Would you want to go in? Or ignore? Or just have a peek? We make the choice.

To make things seem more complicated (the beauty of God's ways), there is more than one door. And would you pass them all and NOT try even one door? No.

Because God pushes you to open doors as long as you are alive. You don't have to prepare anything. Just your belief in your God.

I see many doors. Some people literally 'push' me inside a random door of which only THEY know about. But with my own perseverance (albeit struggling), the door served me well.

For i BELIEVE in Allah's path for me.

I have opened my own doors and got many sweet alternatives in life. And also the bitter and sour parts thrown in.

Those are my musings for my own mind to mind and for ponderers to ponder.


Let's see what i'm feeling this weekend...


My entertainer...my Entertainer, Mr. Michael Jackson...has passed away.

And i experienced a new emotion on the previous morning of which i have never felt before in my whole life. I felt like my spirit was overcome with a sense of LOSS and my chest region was filled with...grief. I have just reached my office. And i know it was a new feeling because it wasn't fear or anxiety that i sometimes get (i'd blame it on my natural disposition), it was a DARK moment and i felt like i've 'forgotten' something. But then i got calmer and continued my day's work...

Next day that same constricted feeling came back when i heard on the radio of the news. They said it was not confirmed...but later it is.

My mum used to record videos of him, all compiled in a videotape and used to play it for me (or rather, it was playing and i watched it a lot) since i was a baby back in Cheras house.

Billie Jean - I LIKE it when he steps the floor and it lights up....and all the purple air about him!

Beat It - LOVE the jacket!

Thriller - disgusted, scared by it. But i liked the ghost dance hehe

Bad - Loved the parking lot and the smoke billowing around and his new white face...nice-looking, that time. Oh and i just watched the FULL video and there's Wesley Snipes too :)

And many more songs...but these FOUR videos/songs really got cemented into my memory forever.

Thank you sir....God bless you and may you rest in peace. I do not believe the allegations against you.

Down Lover's Lane

This was in the shady Permatang Pelajar pathway...i was in my 2nd year at USM and having a relaxing time (before exams...)

I have always been alone. But i'm not lonely.

But when i feel lonely; i am NOT alone. And i'm grateful for that. My LOVE is always with me.

...and other companions...

This is a time when i feel...i couldn't describe it...

You are my Paradise

You are my Obsession

You are my Wishes

You are Ease to my soul

You are Relief for my eyes

You are a Knock on the door of my heart

I know not much else, but i do know this;

I see my God in You, oh what am i to do?

I bow my head to You.

At times it is Your Fragrance; at times it is Your Words

You are that which Lightens up my heart

You are a lifetime of Treasures

Softly it came, tormenting me

Whenever you smile,

It makes the spirit inside me spin with Joy

You are my Good Fortune

You are my Devotion

*adapted from Tujh Mein Rab Diktha Hai. I dedicate this to the one who is in my heart.

Smooth Operator...healing my heart

*Ayah, do you mind me uploading this image?*

Erm, i've already uploaded it...It's one of my favourite paintings :)

Was my Virgo Sun/Sagittarius Moon/Leo Ascendant father's painting back in the 80's. The model was Brooke Shields. His most prettiest muse, my opinion.

Look at it. She's pretty. But see what's beside her head...THAT'S what captures my imagination.

I was already a crawling baby then...i crawled around the house and always passing by this painting and staring at it. I remember the 'yellowness' of it on top of the yellow carpet of our old Cheras house (no it's not a yellow house).

Have i mentioned that i had a long memory? My memory started very young; during infancy. I can remember all the fuzziness of a baby's perception of the world. The scents. The feel of things in my hand. The taste in my tongue of every food i eat. The sounds i hear.

I remember sitting on my father's lap watching him paint. Visiting him in his studio and watching him airbrush (such a thrilling device!). He represents my Sun.

I remember my mum feeding me, taking care of me. Most i remember, she always takes me out to town. Well it's my mother's hands that i remember most, coz it does alot of things to me and for me :D She represents my Moon.

Who represents my Ascendant? My brother of course. He came out 8 years after i have established my own Kingdom in my family...but he feels like my twin though.

WHO represents all three of me? My LOVE of course :)

And my future husband? Wait and see...but he must be my Sun. And i should be his Moon...

I took sick leave today. I was feeling blank yesterday....'MY HEART WAS NOT IN MY JOB' ...

That's what i automatically typed to November guy *bless you; you have been patient!* when the office felt too constricting to my very soul. I was able to do my job, and i was calm and controlled.

But my heart was crying....it was asking for a release, for some solitude, for some nourishment. NOURISHMENT. I have been neglecting my spiritual duties. That's why i became weaker and weaker as the weeks go by...and spirits seem to want to disturb me. And my bravery running low.

Slept and dreamt more deeper dreams. Woke up with work in my head; got it over and done with at 8:45 (emailing my colleagues) and now on to MORE healing of my heart.

I will need to go back to my realm.