Rant...Express

By the music of Penawar - Ella.

Someone told me i have to express and heal my mind tonight. Doesn't matter WHO that someone was. But it talked to my intuition (or any medium you want to call it). It's somewhere inside me (ugh, so cliche).

"Tolonglah si dia ini...dengan menghampirinya...kerana dia sebahagianmu"

My bloody...dusty (shameful)...keyboard is uniquely growing out of its years...press this key and it comes out another icon...and many other irritating changeables.

Anyway, the phrase in parentheses up there can be found in Penawar's lyrics. Sounds like something YOU always hear and comprehend? Yes. But for Nur Syuhada and the likes of her...the text highlighted in red really knocks on her (their) heart.

Everyone is the same......why bother citing our differences?

I drove from Serdang Raya till Shah Alam ALONE today using the BMW (coz that car's great for me and my driving skills, coincidentally it is also my favourite brand...). Not that i'm really alone; mum drove the Waja coz she brought it to the mechanic near my office building.

I'm a driver who needs silence in order to really concentrate on the road. See, i don't need music, hehe...

What happened to me?

I got a new job.
I'm resigning.

I'm...trembling.
I'm...delirious.
I'm...i mean...

At the same time, i'm...

Something came and i can tell it is significant to me.

Tangible.

I'm.....................

A part of myself is SO SURE of this. No doubts. Only my usual fears.


It is the difficult realization that something other than myself is real. - modified from an Iris

Of Ramadhan and Syawal

Huh! I'm finally back home after my Raya holidays in Kota Bharu. It was a good raya for me, Alhamdulillah :)

But...i'm feeling like i need one more month of Ramadhan. Tak puas.

I have been unsatisfactory in my behaviour, my thoughts, my perceptions.

I was so so so pessimistic about Raya. I heard that the land near my grandma's house has gone all dry and 'bald'....no more shades...no more trees and foliage...no more GREEN...no more arwah Ayah Su's bushes...not to mention the missing chicken of his...and also no more pokok rambutan for me to observe and 'attempt to help' to kait the fruits with that longgggg pole which actually made me imagine i could reach out to the sky and make the plane passing by go catapulting...you know me once my eyes go to the sky...

My brother told me if given the choice he would like to be the cloud. I see his sense. It's just so peaceful being there...except when the lightning threatens to tickle you (now that's an afterthought i neglect to mention to him, haha)..

Puasa has gone by with events and multiple antics from humans around me...nothing much...one of my favourite November people has resigned, i gave him a white fluffy bear and he gave me a non-foldable fan with his own crafty knot...we gave each other November birthday presents!

Thank you very much, you know who you are :)

Cancer girl, also going to be resigning. *sigh*. I got to know more of her and believe it or not, we bonded too. Cancerian females seem to be allergic to me...all my life...and this one took about 2 years to really harmonise with me...her with her direct talk and sharp behaviour, me with my irritating loopiness and Plutonian ignorance...haha...we both hang out together since our 'joint predicament' at work. Ah well, let's not dwell on that.

I didn't feel the Raya atmosphere in my life. No kuih making (only my mum made some jam tarts while i was asleep like a log at night)...no baju raya (the tailor got H1N1)...

Exactly 12:30am Friday/Saturday, we set off for Kelantan. Had a meal first. Me with my dad, mum and my bro. Miracles of miracles, my MP3 player can be played in the car! One less of my glumness of the impending journey. Me and my dad, we can listen to whatever melody...we have high tolerance for each other's music tastes...i even enjoyed his songs and discovered new ones for my ears! So the journey went by smoothly with both individuals' music playlists.

Smoothly? Just the music. The ROAD....

Spent 4 hours on that Karak highway. Darn bloody traffic. We had to stop before the second toll to sleep till dawn and just not waste petrol, see...

6 am. Continue the drive. Surprise, surprise, sensing the terrible jam up ahead, we had to decide to go through Terengganu. Twice we stopped to sleep and refresh. I actually DREAMED...

I was spiralling (in a moving car) up a mountain and down again. It was pleasant. Hmm, that's the main theme i remember.

Reached Wakaf Che Yeh, 6:45 pm. In time for last buka puasa meal. Next day confirm Raya Puasa. Alamak..so sad...the end of Ramadhan never made me feel down that way...8:30 me and mum went to SACC mall...i mean, KB mall...to get our pre-ordered blackforest cake.

Next day: 1st Syawal...helped my mum prepare food for guests. Cut the blackforest cake to put on a platter and it looked like a....disaster. Presentation-wise. Not that's it's anyone's fault though...it just happened that way :D

The cake is wiped clean at the end of the day. Shows that TASTE is what matters most to the Raya guests, hehe!

Next on the menu, satay. Already grilled (err how do you describe 'bakar satay' again??), so we just need to heat it up. Accidentally, i was put in charge of the reheating. Not that i'm complaining...i do want to have something to do during Raya...i'm not that good at sitting around in the living room and *gulp* socialising.

I can just say that it was a sweaty hari raya for me. I worked at clearing up the table and adding more food and drinks, washing the dishes and cups the whole day. It's where i can be left by myself and not being watched so much by the people. Surprisingly, i was comfortable in that situation :)

The only time i went out to greet people and my family members is toward the afternoon...when the table is all set for the next set of guests, i sat down and relaxed and....got to see ALYA!!! She wore a pale blue gown and had two braids in her hair. Gosh her nose is as alluring as ever, wakakakaka....

Naturally she stuck to my dad the most...after some prodding, she did that amazing and shocking thing: jumped to me and held on/hugged. Ahh well she's still that same baby who i've held in my arms long time ago :)

Next Afrina came. She just decided to observe all the cars parked in front of the house and trying to investigate to whom each of it belonged. Stood by and talked to yours truly and i just layan her. Haha....she's so much of a Capricorn babe! Grandma-like.

My father, Alya, me and Afrina later went to 7-Eleven for, what else...the children's titbits. Alya stuck like a magnet to her grand-uncle and i took charge of little grandma...she's just so dainty and pretty and so matured-like...hmm, she is one soul i can like :)

Aries Alya buys a lot of things. Cappy Afrina buys only the things she wants. I don't have to describe more :)

Next phase of guests, this one comes in the evening. This one guy suddenly got all chummy with my mum and i got to know that he's the one who asked her last year to matchmake him with any single girl she knows. He talked with me and i talked with him. After he finished eating, he still came to talk with me, and i talked with him.

Let me explain: i've never seen him before, or i was just so ignorant i never did know who he was. He doesn't know who i am too. Seems that he is one of my dad's saudara-mara. The extended ones. Double-triple extended ones. So me and him are just simply related somehow. Anyway, he asked for my phone number and i too got his number. Totally Harmless. Next paragraph.

Later at night went to Che' Dah's house for her own spaghetti bolognese. It's good too.

Next day, Raya Kedua. Went for nasi dagang at Aunty Limah's house. First, me and my mum helped to prepare the table and roll up the roti jala. Then we went to the tanah perkuburan to pay respects.

3rd day. Ate pancakes made by Ayah Mat. Delish. And then i'm the one who continues making it, and finishing the batter. Haha. Then later my mum made kuey teow for the day.

4th day: sent Ayah Mat and Uncle Ian to the airport and then we started off for KL. I bought this Sour + candy which is absolutely shocking. It made my smugly self-confessed relaxed daddy change into unrelaxed sour candy victim. It made my asam-eater mummy into a shocked and blinking driver. It made me a new fan :D

We reached home 1:30am. Safely. Alhamdulillah :)

Sunday photo detailing

Adding my photos from my Prism, and some other collection. Haha, sometimes i feel i am only one of the very very few people who owns a Prism and liking it. Next phone? Shhh, my Prism will hear and she'll go sulky :D

The above picture is my father's idea of food art. At Restoran Azira. Sempat jugakkkk susun sambil ambik makanan...



Ghastly. I meant to put 'o' in place of 'a' there hehe. Nahh just kidding. But i'm using a half-serious tone :) This was the dawning sky back in the 1st week of puasa, sahur at MMZ Bukit Jelutong. Actually it looked more prettier looking at it. This pic was...of course, flawed.



New Gladiator model. My mum's kaki. Tangs Pavilion. No actually it was bought in Parkson Grand. MODELED in Tangs later :D Suddenly it occured to my vision that her legs looked like it belonged to Cleopatra. *gerenti ada orang KEMBANG hidung...*



This was my little road beside my house in somewhere England. If you believe that, i pity you. Haha, this....was somewhere in Harvey Norman...my brother and i got obsessed...wonder if we were being videoed ourselves *tsk tsk*...



GSC Pavi Lion. *rolls eyes*. This was on the space after the 1st escalator leading to the cinema halls. It was RAINING how can i resist NOT admiring the moment? There were actually raindrops splattering on the glass roof. I feel like an alien. But i'm no chicken. Uh, NEXT PHOTO please...



My space in my office (new layout). My screen is so so precious....and my tiny flag sticking dutifully to my CPU...this was taken when the restless part of me comes...during my free time at work...


There you go, i get paid to fool around...and i'm not pleased with that of course :/

Of Class

"By Him who holds my soul in His hand, I do love you." - Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H)

Like those words.

Class. Not Classrooms. You might know what i'm talking about. And where i'm heading. And pardon me, i'm going to spiral my mind on this weekend night.

Prophet Muhammad never taught us about class. That's the reason Allah sent him: to eradicate the practice of differentiating classes among people and bring to light that we are ALL the same.

We are ALL the same.

We are all the SAME.

We are ALL THE SAME.

I admit i do not have enough patience or even tolerance when i encounter a person who so much as give me a hint that they are downgrading a certain group of humans.

Once and twice, i've come across people whom i consider as my friend and a respected superior, and when they BOTH expressed their utter dislike of a certain race in Malaysia, i immediately lose my respect AND automatically kept my distance...it's more like, i closed my auric egg from their presence...call that my Achilles' heel, i'm bad in that way. Not that i don't appreciate them being direct and non-hypocritical. But these kinds of people make me break out in a rash. Figuratively.

Be aware that ALLAH created us all. HUMANS, with different FAITHS and COLOURS and CULTURES, for us to know each other and find GOD amongst each other's presence.

ANIMALS, be they the usual ones and even PIGS, are created by GOD.

HE just Commanded us not to CONSUME swine. HE did not ask us to shun them away or cringe when we see it. Those little unassuming piggies deserve our respect too.

Hmm assuming that there are some typical-minded people reading this...H1N1? Selsema babi? Ok. So it comes from them. IS IT THEIR FAULT??

WE HUMANS ARE THE ONES AT FAULT!!! FOR THIS BLOODY PANDEMIC THAT'S GOING ON!!

......

I actually screamed up there. My little mind is screaming. But it came out through my fingers and into here. I'm a frustrated person.


I'm frustrated when i see people with whom i am close to, actually have the nerve (genetically, the unfortunate thing) to DEGRADE others...indirectly. But they also have the bloody nerve to ask for the opinion of same person whom they are degrading regarding some matters which they do not know.

Let's just name this person, Vanilla. It's a she.

She looks plain. Like a normal everyday 'makcik' you see everyday. OUTWARDLY. Her clothes are plain. You can say, 'selekeh' at times. Her behaviour? Let's just say she 'marches to her own drummer', does what she likes, likes what she does. She's acting young for her age. She's a non-conformist. She says what she thinks, straightaway. Clearly, that's a creature that society would not accept.

The particular people who look down on her thinks she has no class. No CLASS. NO class. They are much more stylish. More knowledgeable. More savvy. More interesting. More sane. More polite. More religious. Some say she would go to hell for all that she has done.

I am the observer of Vanilla and this, let's call them Savvy group with Class. I am able to put myself on the outside, looking in. Call me neutral. Switzerland.

From what i see, they are more shallow and superficial, compared to Vanilla.

They say she is materialistic. She say she's MONEYlistic, and it is true. There is a difference. She cares about MONEY. Not things that we can buy with it. That's just her. And she makes a fine accountant.

They say she's not polite and rude, does not know manners and what is appropriate, in some social situations. She knows. She knows wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy much more than they do. About 100 years earlier. She just doesn't BOTHER to SHOW that she knows etiquette. Especially when it comes to the Savvy group.

I say that she is well-trained in all matters pertaining to social conduct. When she is apparently 'misbehaving', she's having some freedom, in a free country, FOR GOODNESS SAKES. In fact what she was doing was not WRONG at all when you think about it after you wipe away your preconceptions about her.

They say she is not knowledgeable. I say that she knows alot of what we SHOULD know in this life.

Just because a person does not participate (even looks bored) in a conversation about politics and economy, that...does...not...mean...she...is...stupid. Enough said.

They see that she is not religiously inclined. I say, Vanilla is one of the important people in my life who taught me to communicate with my beloved ALLAH. You see, it's actually gone reversed. Savvy people are ones who received complete religious education. And end up as wannabe Westerners now. Vanilla is not from a consciously religious background. But she has AWARENESS. And it never changes with the times. Therefore, she is more FINER and more FIRM in her Iman.

You know i can write more. But i am mentally tired with this frustration. Of why people seem to JUDGE too much as if they KNOW so much about this WORLD.

ALLAH is my JUDGE. HE is FAIR and WISE.

I have no words to describe how much i revere my CREATOR.

My love, my heart, my soul is all in HIS hands.

I have been a bad person.


Observing can be very tiring.

I Need to Talk With You Again...

Haiiii....those good old teenage years i had...was so so pretty sweet....some bitterness thrown in too but the sweetness overwhelmed it and never tampers with my memory (eh?)

That title was a part of the lyrics to Kavana's song Will You Wait For Me. Don't like the song, but the video made me swoon. I repeat: SWOON over this beautiful guy....beautiful, beautiful, guy...heeheehee...argh men were still so manly back in the 90's.

Sorry younglings, that's my opinion :)

Anthony Kavanagh...one beautiful guy :) You see i can't stop praising him...eep!

Demolish this Shivering

I'm having a tiny problem. I hope it IS tiny. My hands are now shivering and seemingly moving on its own. I suspect there's something going on with my veins or some sort...

Ah, well....it is the weekend....after a presumably long and, i have to admit, boring work week....by Friday, my fears were proven wrong...sure i started the work week on a Tuesday (blame it on those monthly female pains...) and i got a slight irritation from a superior who asked me to do a certain job....but i did it anyway...

and it's going to take me about 2 weeks to get it done...

...and this week has been, nice. Fate has introduced me to my new neighbour and she seems to be one of my kindred spirits (too early to tell though). A Scorpio with loads of Libran in her. Cusp birth.

I was depressed yet again, but abit worse, added by the period misery...my appetite gave me a fright...oh but my blood pressure was down to 125/75, Alhamdulillah....

I actually 'lost grip' of my spirit, or WILL, to live. I even thought i lost my heart. It feels true.

But on one night...i dreamt. It was SO real. SO dark. SO many familiar faces from my waking life.

All of them are concerned about me. They kept telling me, persuading me, urging me, warning me, pointing out to me that....

I AM SELFISH.

"YOU ARE SELFISH, SYUHADA".

I think i got four people. I was a jubilant, ignorant character in my dream. I even got a mystery car which came to pick me up...

on some top floor of my 'office' building and it came in the elevator.

I woke up at 5:55 am. I was RESTORED. Fresh. I'm LIVING.

And the day was good.

My light blue inspiration came to me. Oh, the beautiful aura!

Even though i was still reserved....but it all came out well for me by Friday.


Today, i watched The Proposal. Nice movie. Sandra Bullock's movies always seem to be so nice for me to watch. And i don't usually WANT to watch these kinds of movies...


My hands are getting cramped. I'll stop here.

Judges of Forces

People judge.
God is the only, ultimate Judge and the Most Fair.

Therefore i trust HIM more than i trust a human judge.

These are simple words.
But i am writing this with my own vehemence.

A quote from my brother (and from somewhere): "Who am i to judge?"

Yes, who are we to judge.

But i assure you...i do judge. We do judge. You can't say that you NEVER judge.


There....the awkwardness of the English language sound has come to me right this second: J.U.D.G.E. A funny-looking word.

Forgive my lapse of eccentricity. See? I judge myself too. I might be prejudiced when i think people are judging me. But i might also be right about them.

Outward appearances.
What people CHOOSE to show you.
What our EYES see (superficially)....
are misleading. Period.

WYSIWYG is not a term that you would actually use in these times. Yes, What You See, Is What You Get. Add that to your own....judgement.

Things are not what they Seem.

God hides His Beauty in front of us.

It's not for our Eyes to see,

But to use our Hearts to comprehend...

My Heart is coming out.